I'm not the kind of guy who usually writes about his personal life, but something's been hanging over my head for a long time. Maybe it's already happened to one of you, who knows. Despite of their differences, humans look pretty much the same on the inside.
If you been reading my posts for a while, you know that I was majoring in Law and dropped out in the middle of the last year (on July 15th). The reasons? There are many! Lots of them! I will not narrow all of them down, if that's what you're thinking. I don't feel that comfortable this way (not to mention that some of them are too personal). The biggest one though, is that I didn't really like it. I mean, I loved the IL (International Law) classes, but the rest... Err! To top it off, I was going through a rough time when it all happened - I developed a sort of trauma of internships. I had never worked before (which means that I wasn't used to be bossed around) and being treated like a slave right off the bat made me resign from this "career". I tried to tell everyone in my family, but they wouldn't trust me. They thought that I was just lazy and had intentions of goofing off (which blew me away, because I've never been like that). They used to say that if the other students were doing it, I could do it too. But it's not true! Everyone faces the same things in a different way. And no, not all of them were doing it. The ones who were had the same issues. The funniest thing is that I wasn't even doing it for financial reasons - the university requires at least a 6-month-period internship from all the students. When I had just resigned, the set of tests of that semester had already begun. I was getting crazy with all this... I kept it up as much as I could, until I blew up and dropped out.
What I needed the most at that time was to be alone for a while. Obviously, I wasn't able to get it. Things got pretty ugly at home - my parents were furious. How come I spent one and a half year in a private university and gave it all up out of nothing? What about the money? I know, I know! I'd get pissed off too... My mom somehow managed to get over it. I can't say the same about my dad. We've never been each other's type. If it was hard to get along with him before, it was even harder after I did that. A few other things happened and well... Let's just say that we've not been in very good speaking terms ever since.
After all that time, I should be feeling a little bit better. However, whenever I get my hopes up and start studying and looking for another thing to do, someone drops a hint at me and reminds me of what I should or shouldn't have done - of what I am now and why I am like that (as if I were a miserable!). You have no idea of how it is like to be compared to your older siblings and your cousins all the time. It sucks! Sometimes I even think that they're just trying to make me feel like I am the black sheep of the family. Damn, I'm not! I don't give a hoot about what people say, but the ones that are doing it are the ones who should never act like that. It hurts even more to know that they have my blood. I'm not making a fool of myself - don't ever think like that! I'm just getting things off my chest. It makes me feel better.
I really wish I could move out and start a new life in a totally different place - a place full of people that I've never seen before. I want to forget it so bad! But what could I do without a degree? Clean bathrooms? Nothing against those who do it, but I guess it wouldn't be enough for the kind of life that I seek. The worst: my dad was the one affording me. What now? To spend or not to spend my mother's money? God, I don't even know I want! I feel like my life is a mess and like I'm getting too old (I'm almost 20) to live at their expense. I have to "find" myself and get my act together before making any decisions. Have you ever felt like that?
Have a nice weekend!